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Fri 5/25/2007 | 9:38 pm
  don juan is my role model ;P
god i'm so bad.

not to mention so pathetic.


Thu 5/24/2007 | 6:35 pm
  lol i got owned by allergies today. i feel like my nose is going to explode.
it's 1440x900. how am i gonna find a wall paper for that?

1 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Tue 5/22/2007 | 8:29 pm
  there's something i find very annoying.
that is when someone blames society/other people/anything but themselves for their own shit.
seriously. grow a pair. a pair of eyes. i sound like mr. richards, but what he says is so stupid because it's painfully obvious. it's even more stupid when it's extremely painfully obvious, but no one takes heed of it.
i'm tired of listening to vicky bitch about how she hates this and that and learning about this shit and that shit because it's all useless. that is the stupidest shit i've ever heard. there's no such thing as learning useless shit, especially in school. you're just too stupid to figure out what it's for and you don't want to admit it. you take the easy road and say, that's stupid, and think that's the end of that. but it's not. it's just denial. whenever the world is against you and it's not just freak accident, there's two sources: either the world is really a big scary place, or you're just being a douchebag. it's your fault. it could be either possibility.
i used to think that it's the world that's messed up, not me. really. i bet a lot of people out there think that too. it wasn't until two years ago that i realized that there was a remote possibility it was just me. so i changed. i adapted to the game. and my life improved. really. stop thinking that you're perfect, all of you, and that it's everything around you that doesn't work. see from the other side. consider the "remote" possibility that you just don't get it.
of course, i have confidence that one day vicky will understand why she's memorizing those "stupid" country names, why she's reading that "stupid" lord of the flies, and memorizing all the parts of the human body only to spit it out on the SAT II bio. it's what makes you care, what makes you understand what others are talking about, what makes you think of a better way to solve the world's problem while drinking at a bar alone at night, what improves your quality of life. if only she'd get it, understand that the brain is not an attic with limited space, but rather a black hole: the more you understand, the more you will be able to understand. so even with that, what "waste" is learning something "useless?" there is so much "junk" knowledge in my brain that winds up to be useful in real life. knowledge isn't a waste of time. if it is, the government would not even fund education, since education obviously works to generate increased tax income, and generally, a smarter people lead more productive and meaningful life.
and then there are the people who flaunt their ignorance. bush is just one of many examples, many that you see at school. "oooh done with a test, dump my knowledge down the drain." that's stupid. why flaunt your ignorance? people don't flaunt the fact that they're poor. so why do it? to impress people? you just show others how stupid and shallow you are. it's almost sad.

but whatever. not like i'm gonna make a difference in anyone's world, because people who think that the world is wrong and they are right will never listen. they will only change on their own. i hope they do. after all, that Vtech murderer thought the world is wrong and he is right. why didn't he ever stop and think about that it might just be he who has a problem? i've stopped and thought about it end of freshman year. that's pretty much turned my life around for me. i look at the murderer, and i think, "goddamn, that person could've been me if i didn't change. i would do the exact same thing. but is that right? no. that's a shallow, stupid thing to do." so what if people bullied you? have you ever thought about changing yourself? even if it's actually others who are wrong, isn't it easier to change yourself than changing others? why do people never think of that?

it almost makes me want to cry.

[edit] oh ya, when i say "you," i'm not talking only about vicky or certain people. i'm talking about you in the sense of everyone and no one at the same time. you know, like the general you know, stuff like that.

3 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Sun 5/20/2007 | 6:01 pm
  choral tour
gah i can't believe there was no internet connection. i feel deprived.
but not really. i guess i can survive without being connected.

overall, i didn't enjoy it that much. i hated the sleeping on the gym floor/being around so many people 24/7 / the people who never shut up when i'm sleeping/the snoring/the never-ending performance that totally killed by throat. i guess i'm a lot like my mom: if i can find a way to complain, i complain. it's a bad habit, really is.

ooh, and then we got new risers for chorale! except on the first night we used it, someone puked on it! not cool.

ok i'm tired. i'll finish the rest later.


Tue 5/15/2007 | 7:35 pm
  i don't understand "catcher in the rye."
not that i'll try not to. i'll actually try to understand it. it's an interesting book. i just don't get it, that's all.
so ya. savage sub for english. i should've ditched that class, knowing that nothing was gonna happen anyway. but i went, and that sub hated me. whatev. i return the favor. fucking shit fuck.


Sun 5/13/2007 | 8:49 pm
  i feel kinda pathetic right now. =/  

1 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Fri 5/11/2007 | 7:12 pm
  wtf. gmail preview works, but gmail itself doesn't. is anyone else currently experiencing this kind of trouble? if so plz tell me.  

1 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Wed 5/9/2007 | 9:01 pm
  if i see someone else uploading prom pics on fbook, i'm gonna delete my account.  

2 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Tue 5/8/2007 | 7:25 pm
  Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

Your ruling planet Venus, now seen as an evening star, is especiallypotent for you, but she may not bring you harmonious love while inemotional Cancer this month. Instead, you need to come to grips withyour vulnerabilities as you protect yourself from the hurtful sting oflove's arrow. Unfortunately, you could feel overexposed and open tojudgment. Forget about what anyone else thinks; just ask for what youwant.

i love horoscopes.


soma vacation   
Tue 5/8/2007 | 7:19 pm
  here i go. i'll see you all one-three weeks later and hope for the better =P
this better be a good idea.

2 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Mon 5/7/2007 | 5:59 pm
  one hand an eraser, one hand a pen.
the pen is the easy part. two lines, and you've crossed out your mistake. you're ready to move on, have fun, forget about the past, repeat the same mistake again sooner or later.
the eraser is more difficult to wield. you need to run the eraser over and over again, reminding yourself how you made the mistake. starting over. beginning from scratch. admitting to yourself you've done something wrong. eerasing is a lot more difficult than crossing out. but it's cleaner, more effective, and the end result is a lot less awkward.

but that's how i went about high school. i've never been able to bring myself to face conflicts that i have to resolve. it's always been forget it, forget you, i'm moving on. i've always been like that, selfish, uncaring, worried only about myself. i've told myself that i'll know i'm ready for true attachment when i meet someone whom i'm willing to put down my lunch for. 20% of my life, if i live to 80, has passed, and still i'm unable to do that. i guess not. that explains the moving on/hurting everyone in my wake, pretty much, selfish bastard. i've always been using the pen, simple, two strokes and you're done. it's the wrong way, but that's what i do anyway. will this be any different? i hope so.

but it will not be. i'm still gonna be wielding my trusty old pen, crossing my and your names out, two strokes, moving on, hoping all of our paths never cross. and i'm gonna regret doing that.

it's no fun being a pimp. not at all.


Mon 5/7/2007 | 5:08 pm
  miserable. i love that word. describes exactly how i feel right now, what with allergies/cold/post-prom-drama/all that other fugly shit. god i'm so tired, my nose is running dry, my life, i wish it would run dry, but whatev. can't wait to get out of this fugly place and move on to something bigger + better.  


Sun 5/6/2007 | 4:29 pm
  "high school relationships are bullshit."
i so totally agree. i feel like all those times i spent with other girls are just wasted time, that fleeting high that i'll probably never get enough of, that when i do get it, will never be satisfying enough for me.
either that, or it's just ryan's way of rationalizing.


Fri 5/4/2007 | 6:34 pm
  i dunno.
am i lying to myself by saying that i don't want commitment anymore?
to live. to breathe.
life is addicting. like smoking. you develop a tolerance to it. all the little highs i used to enjoy are not enough anymore. it's inexplicable. like one of those ideas that wouldn't disappear from your brain, but you have no words for it. so abstract it doesn't seem to exist, but it does.

i'm addicted to life. to living the moment. and it's getting tiresome. it's like, okay, you got something that you desperately wished for. now what? is there a next step? if not then what was the point?

what was the fucking point? lol complicated. it's me that's messed up. lol. it's like pretending to myself that horoscopes would guide my way. to where? somewhere. i have no idea.

how long have i used this icon? it still fits, miraculously. but i need a new LJ layout. maybe i should just scratch custom.

so, i chanced upon my runescape account again. and i realized something i should've a long time ago: what's the point? what's the fucking point, man? why did i ever waste my life on it? did i seriously waste away probably 20% of my life already? is life just a big waste bin for you to pour your minutes into and never get anything out?

we live for our hippocampi. for memories. stay. don't leave.

5 piece of ashpieces of ash Burn

Wed 5/2/2007 | 6:41 pm
  that took a while. i finally figured out how to get a berkeley domain email address. but i did it in the end, despite all the challenges facing me, especially in creating a hard-to-remember password. except i've forgotten it already -_-. dammit.